'I'm worried that my gorgeous new girlfriend's just not that into me'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man aged 29 and I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a few months now.

I’m so crazy about her, but I constantly have the feeling that she’s not as into me, because her friends always take priority and when she’s with them it feels like I don’t even exist.

I think I’m punching above my weight dating her. She’s gorgeous and turns heads wherever she goes, whereas I’m pretty average and a bit tubby and out of shape if
I’m honest.

But when we’re together we have a lot of fun and there’s loads of chemistry.

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She likes that I’m funny and the sex is good (I’ve had no complaints so far), but I still feel I’m chasing her all the time and begging for scraps.

She also never invites me out with her mates, so I’m paranoid that she’s embarrassed about me and worried what they’ll think.

I want to feel like she’s mine and I want to be her number one, but right now I constantly feel like her second choice – someone to fall back on if there’s nothing more exciting going on. What should I do?

Coleen says

I think what you should do is stop being so down on yourself.

Maybe this is more to do with how you feel about yourself – and less to do with how your girlfriend is behaving. What you need to work on is thinking about yourself more positively and talking to yourself in a positive way because your self-esteem seems low.

Your girlfriend obviously loves you or she wouldn’t be with you, but where’s the
self-love? It’s non-existent.

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I believe if you were more confident in yourself and liked yourself more, I don’t think you’d feel like this. You are not “punching” because this gorgeous woman has chosen you and it’s not all about looks – that’s part of the equation, but so is personality, sexual chemistry, friendship, humour, shared interests and values, and so on. It’s a package deal. You say she likes that you’re funny, well, that’s a big tick because it’s a really attractive quality.

Imagine being with someone who makes you laugh – it’s the dream. So, try to keep your insecurities (we all have them) in perspective and you must try not to become
paranoid about her seeing her friends.

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At your age and the stage in the relationship, friends are probably still a big deal for you both. But why not be more proactive about inviting her friends along and getting to know them better?

If you go the other way and become super-needy, it’s just going to push her away.

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