'I told my flirty friend from work I love her and now she's ignoring me'

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my 30s and I’ve been in love with a woman for the past couple of years, but she told me a few weeks ago that she wasn’t interested in anything . Maybe I have been reading the signs wrong, but she was always keen to chat to me and was flirty too. We work for the same company, but not in the same department.

We’ve been out for group drinks and chatted all night, and on a few occasions we’ve been out for and lunch together, but things have never progressed beyond that. I suppose she’s always kept me a bit at arm’s length.

Things came to a head at a company when I admitted to her that I was in love with her and it didn’t land how I expected. She seemed irritated with me. I’m confused now about where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe I should have made my feelings clear sooner, but I’m kind of shy, so it’s not in my nature to be brave in that way.

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She’s backed off a bit and I’ve only exchanged a few polite hellos with her since. I’m losing sleep over this and feel really down about it. Any suggestions?

Coleen says

I think unfortunately she’s played you a bit without any intention of taking it seriously. I’m not sure I believe she didn’t know you fancied her – I think you can tell if someone is reacting to you more than a friend. Maybe she enjoyed the flirtation and the ego boost, but didn’t want anything more.

Her irritation might have been down to knowing she can’t be friends with you now and you shouldn’t be friends until you’re in a stronger place and not still hoping that it’ll turn into a romance. One thing I will say for her is that she instantly told you how she feels instead of being vague or stringing you along. But I feel bad for you – I know how much it hurts when your feelings for someone aren’t reciprocated.

But you can always learn something valuable from a situation like this and the next time you meet someone you really like, tell them sooner so you don’t waste two years dreaming about it. It’s good that she’s backed off – even though that’s hard for you to appreciate right now – because you need to move on quickly and be open to finding someone who is really ­interested in you. Good luck.