'I was honest to my mate about her boyfriend and now she says I'm a bad friend'

Dear Coleen

I’m a 22-year-old woman and recently my friend texted me saying I hadn’t been as good a friend to her as I used to be.

It was a long message and it felt unfair. We sat down together and talked it out, but it felt like she was picking on me for every little thing.

For example, not seeing her as much, prioritising other friends and not answering the every time she calls (she phones me every day).

I’ve tried hard to be a good friend. There was one occasion where I could have done better, but it wasn’t obvious that she was in a bad situation. I feel she’s judging me for this one time when every other time I’ve been there – and it’s upsetting she’s questioning my friendship.

I believe friends should accept you, flaws and all, which is what I’ve always done with her. I admit my texting could use some work and I don’t always get back to people straight away. But, over the years, there have been many times when she hasn’t been there for me and I’ve let it go.

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This all seems to have happened since I got back with my boyfriend. I’ve also started a with different hours and have , too, but I’ve still made an effort with her and had little response.

I was honest with her back in August about her relationship, telling her I thought her boyfriend should treat her better and she didn’t like that – yet it’s OK for her to have an opinion on my relationship. I’m hurt and confused. I can’t always be on call 24/7 for her but, because I’m her only friend, I’m who she calls.

Coleen says

She sounds quite needy, probably because she hasn’t made much of an effort to invest in other friendships. Sometimes life takes you on different paths and you either accept that and the friendship adapts or you drift apart and go separate ways.

It sounds as if you’re busy with so much and you’re also back in a relationship, which can have an impact on friendships too. All you can do is try to explain where you are in your life and, if you don’t get a great response, maybe stop trying.

It’s not your fault you’re her only friend, but maybe this will make her spread her wings a bit more. What I think is great is that you talked about it, because lots of friends fall out and there’s a ghosting situation, which happened to me.

I’ve accepted now that my friends’ lives took them in a different direction – that’s life. Equally, I have two very good friends, who I rarely speak to and I’m rubbish at contacting, but when we see each other, it’s like we’ve never been apart and there’s no judgment.

Maybe you and your friend need a little space from each other to find out where your friendship lands.

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